What day is it?
by Ms Sticha
Summary: Joker never misses an opportunity to mess with Shepard, and she is too busy to see it coming. One-shot based on today's holiday. Rated T for a little language.


A/N: This idea popped up when I tried to imagine how aliens would view our celebrations of Valentine's Day. Let me know what you think.

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Commander Shepard rocked from foot to foot on the long elevator ride back up to the Normandy SR1 dock on Citadel. She had only been in command of the prototype ship for a few weeks, but they had been very intense. The most recent mission involved a collapsing ruin, a krogan battle master, and lava - all things near the top of her 'avoid at all costs' lists. She noticed the strain in her ground team: little quarrels escalating faster than normal, smart-ass comments that were normally left unsaid, and increasingly irregular sleeping patterns. They had a long road ahead of them, so she decided to do something about it. She scheduled a few meetings on the Citadel as an excuse for the detour and gave the crew 48 hour leave.

The meeting with Anderson had gone longer than expected, so she dismissed the crew that had been with her so they would get a break and went back to the ship alone. _All these species and untold amounts of technology, and the elevators are still unbearably slow _she thought impatiently as the lift finally slowed to a stop. She opened an energy bar and began munching as the decontamination cycle ended and she was finally able to board her ship. She ran smack into the young asari scientist they recently picked up.

"My apologies, Commander. I didn't see you there." Liara paused briefly before she continued. "I will leave you to your worship on this day. Enjoy the anniversary of martyrdom." She bowed her head slightly before exiting the ship.

"What the hell..." Shepard muttered under her breath. She noticed Joker watching her, his pilot's chair turned to face her.

"Well that was delightfully weird, eh, Shep?"

"Do you have any idea what she was talking about?"

Joker shook his head, his face a mask of pure innocence, but there was an ornery twinkle in his eyes. His lips twisted into a lopsided grin.

"Maybe she just gets flustered around you. You seem to have that effect on several crewmembers." He wiggled is eyebrows suggestively before continuing. "Luckily, I am completely immune - probably because I've seen you at your worst. You know... in footie pajamas toting a teddy bear with bed head."

The half-eaten energy bar bounced off his forehead with a small _thump_, and landed in his lap.

"Score! I was hungry but didn't want to get up." He pulled the wrapper back and bit into it, his lips smacking as he chewed because he knew how that irritated her. "You should be more careful. You could've broken a bone, you know."

"Nah, I know how hard your head is." She yelled over her shoulder as she made her way to the back of the ship.

The ship was practically vacant so there was no guard at the door leading down to the crew deck. She punched the button and the door swished open quietly, and she walked directly into a wall of stench. Her eyes burned as her legs instinctively backpedaled into the CIC. She tripped over the top step and landed on her bottom with a grunt.

"Joker, what the hell caused that smell on the crew deck?" She yelped into her comm.

"It wasn't me, I swear. I've been up here the whole time you were gone."

"I hope like hell it wasn't you. We would need to have a serious discussion about your diet if you caused that."

The smell lingered in front of her, and she recognized the scent: rotting flesh. Her skin prickled at that realization. For a body to smell that bad it would have to fester for quite some time, and all her crew was accounted for when they docked. She pulled her pistol off her hip, took a large gulp of the somewhat fresh air, and activated the door. She had to get to the bottom of this pronto.

The stench was thick in the air. She tried to only breathe through her mouth so she wouldn't have to smell it, but that backfired: the air tasted like death. Her mouth watered as she fought the urge to gag. It would be a short trip from gag to vomit.

The crew deck appeared empty, but she carefully checked each nook and cranny just to be safe. Every room was clear, save for the smell, but she was no closer to finding the source. The only room left was her private quarters. With her gun at the ready, she activated the door. She had been there mere hours before, but she had to be meticulous in the sweep.

The stench that seeped from her room made the crew deck smell like an island paradise in comparison. Shepard backed out to grab a breather mask from her locker before reentering the room. There, in the middle of her desk, lay a large flowering plant. The single bloom was over a foot tall and resembled a dark burgundy calla lily with a large green stem shooting up from the center. The small tag in the soil read _Amorphophallus Mikronum_. _Miniature corpse flower_ written in small letters under the scientific name. Well, that explains that.

There was a small note on the desk next to the plant:

_Shepard, I wanted to thank you for all you have done for me so far. The shop owner told me this is a particularly fragrant flower, so he included an environmental dome if it is too much. I wish my suit didn't filter out scent, because it looks like it smells wonderful. ~ Tali_

As her eyes cast about, Shepard found a large glass dome on the floor next to the desk. She almost knocked the plant over in her haste to cover it, but the damage was already done. Every fabric in her room was saturated with the odor. She activated the environmental filters for her cabin as well as the rest of the deck and stripped her room clean. Once the task was complete she removed the mask, but the smell lingered. She was horrified when she realized _she_ was covered in the disgusting odor as well. _Shower time - reports will just have to wait_ she thought as she tried not to gag.

She high-tailed it out of her room towards the shower and practically bounced off Wrex. He was sniffing around the mess.

"Smells like someone finally figured out how to cook on this bucket. Now, where did they hide it?" His red eyes narrowed on Shepard. "It was you, I can smell it. Where's the food?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Wrex. It is a flower in my room." She tried rushing past him, eager to bathe.

"That's too bad. I'm starving." He held out his hand to prevent her escape. "You are a competent human, but you are still squishy. I got you this so you won't be as squishy when you aren't in your armor." He paused again. His voice was gruffer when he continued. "Don't read too much into this, Shepard."

Shepard stood in the middle of the mess, reeking like death and holding a small box in utter confusion. Wrex stomped up the stairs to the CIC without looking back. This day just kept getting weirder. She shrugged once before curiosity got the better of her and she popped the box open. The urge to laugh battled with confusion and horror the contents of the box elicited. One shaky hand pulled the garment out. It appeared to be some sort of sexy underwear for a seriously kinky person. It was a mass of black leather straps punctuated by chains and several metal spikes. She didn't have a clue how someone would even begin to put it on, and, quite frankly, it scared the shit out of her.

"What the hell is going on here?" She muttered as she hauled ass to the showers, desperate to not stink or be surprised again.

Shepard spent the next several hours working on reports. She decided to take advantage of the near-empty ship by taking over the entire dining table. That way she had immediate access to food and drink whenever her hyper metabolism kicked up, which was almost constantly. She lost all track of time, so she jumped when Ashley plopped down in the chair across the table; she had been so engrossed in her work that she hadn't heard anyone approach. The crew must've been making their way in for the night.

"All work and no play, Shepard? That can't be good for you." Ashley's eyes danced with mischief, which really concerned Shepard. Ashley was almost as bad a Joker.

Kaidan slid into the chair next to Shepard a moment later and gently pushed several data pads out of the way before setting a mug of coffee in front of her. She smiled in thanks and went back to work. Shepard noticed the self-satisfied smirk on Ash's face, but chose to ignore it. They sat in silence like that for several minutes.

Eventually, Shepard noticed a silent war of meaningful looks between Kaidan and Ash over the top of her data pad. Ash kept raising her eyebrows then looking over at the commander, and Kaidan curtly shook his head in response. The day had been weird enough that Shepard chose to raise the data pad so she couldn't see what was going on. _Maybe if I just pretended things were normal_... That thought was interrupted with a searing pain in her shin.

"Ouch! Damn it, Ashley, what was that for?" Shepard yelped.

"Sorry, ma'am, I missed my target." The contrite look on Ashley's face fell away almost immediately and she shot a look over to the LT, but he refused to take the bait.

Shepard sighed and began gathering her piles of work as Garrus made his way around the corner. He was heading for her quarters, but made a sharp turn when he noticed the small group at the table. One hand was held behind his back suspiciously. Shepard desperately wanted to flee before finding out why, but the lieutenant blocked her escape route. She sat back with a defeated sigh.

"Commander, there you are. I found something on the Citadel that, based on my research, I thought would be appropriate for the day. He pulled his hidden hand around and placed a small wrapped package on the table with a soft clank that only glass made. _Please don't make me open it_ she silently begged any powers that may exist in the universe, but Garrus held his position next to her expectantly. She swore internally before leaning forward to unwrap the gift.

"What the hell Garrus! Is that a human heart?" She jumped back, knocking her chair over in the process. She hadn't meant to yell, and she instantly regretted it when she saw the crestfallen look on his face, but nothing could've prepared her for the heart floating in the glass jar.

"No, I believe it is a varren heart. I was told you celebrate this holiday with hearts." He looked around at the other humans, looking for a cue.

Ashley guffawed and threw her head back in mirth so hard she fell off her chair. The laughter took over her body, leaving her shaking and tear-stained as she regained her feet. Kaidan appeared to be doing his best to keep a neutral face, but he was failing miserably. Shepard looked from one crew member to the other, completely lost.

"All right, this day has been way too weird for me. What the fuck is going on?" She turned to face the turian. "What holiday?"

"Um, it's Valentine's Day, ma'am." Kaidan glanced at her sheepishly, as a small blush crawled up his neck.

"Joker told all of us that this was your favorite day and we better make it special for you." Garrus added meekly. "He even gave us suggestions on what to get you."

"Valentine's Day? Oh, for the love of... Joker, I'm going to kill you!" Shepard yelled to the ceiling as she vaulted over the table, scattering data pads all over the room. Joker's cackles of delight echoed around the entire ship.

A warm jolt shot up her arm as she felt a hand encircle her wrist. The look on Kaidan's face was pure terror when he realized what he had done, but he didn't pull away, much to Ashley's apparent delight.

"I have a better idea. Let's all go out for drinks and leave Joker with his one true love: the extranet." His silky voice was impossible to resist, so she nodded.

_Maybe I'll celebrate this fake holiday from now on_ she though with a small grin as they made their way off the ship.


End file.
